Aug. 2nd, 2005

growler_south: (clouds)
I'm being stalked by a ginger cat. Wherever I go its just behind me, and it means me no good. I dont need to run to keep ahead of it, I just need to keep moving. This makes my daily tasks rather difficult.

The teacher brings us to an industrial area: part junkyard, part circus. There's a giant clear plastic tiered diving-board structure in the middle, with a rough metal ladder up one side and plexiglas diving boards at 2 metre intervals. In all, the structure is about 4 stories tall. The top diving board is for me, and I'm not amused. At least the cat (which has just appeared on the far side of the junkyard) wont be able to get me while I'm up there.

We're here to learn teleportation, but because we're just learning it will take the cooperation of the entire class to make it work. Teacher keeps stressing how important it is to be confident and not scared, but I'm not sure thats possible when you're standing on a tiny, transparent diving board 4 stories above a concrete floor.

I begin to climb the ladder, but about threequarters of the way up I look down- fuck it's a lot higher than I thought. I freeze, I cant move, I *wont* move. The teacher tries to talk me down, then gets angry and throws a bucket of water at me. The water makes my grip slip and, overcome with utter terror, I fall (in rather cheesy slow-motion, my editing brain remarks.). The ground approaches, but I hear the cat sigh. "You do it like *this*", he says, and I suddenly understand how to make myself not here. I'm instantly so calm and confident about it that I wait until my back is fractions of an inch from the ground, enjoying the horrified look on teacher's face, knowing that he's seeing my fall in real time not the crap slowmo I am.

And then I'm in acid flashback land. I had made myself disappear, but forgot to specify where I would *reappear* and so I'm here. So is the cat. This is the cat's flashback, not mine, but I'm a guest and he wants to show me something.

We're on top of a hill looking at a small shrub, a couple of thousand years ago. Blood sprinkles down onto the shrub like rain, but the shrub catches the drops so they dont hit the ground. The shrub starts to grow, twist and change until it has become an orange kitten. Kitten looks up at the bleeding man nailed to the cross above him...

and I remember that all I have to do is specify where I want to be, because right now I'm still in between. I choose to be at home, in bed, at once. Though, thinking about it now, it would have been amusing to choose somewhere different and see how my consciousness dealt with it. Alaska, for instance.

There's a rush, the vision warps and pinches in the middle (again, SUCH a crap effect, my brain thinks. That's just a photoshop radial blur.) and I wake up suddenly in bed. Its 5am.

Ok, so this is my brain on lack of sleep. Yikes! starring a big ginger cat, industrial magic, and a cameo by none other than Jesus himself. Clearly I havent been meditating enough lately, my subconscious is overflowing...
growler_south: (Default)
It's no surprise to everyone that I've been feeling a little trapped lately. For many reasons I'm ready for a change, and given that I'm 30 its probably going to be a big one.

-I like my job but it's not changed or challenged me for a couple of years now, and to be honest I'm over the animation buzz. 5 years is the longest I've been in one *career*, let alone one job!!
-My house is cheap rent, and I get along real well with the flatmates, but its not a home and I'm doing little more than storing my clothes and using the washing machine here.
-I love my circle of friends, and hold them dear to my heart- but thats it, there appear to be no romantic possibilities on the horizon in Auckland. Well, none that I've met yet. And, to be honest, I'm not looking any more.
-Mum and Dad are healthy and happy, my sister is settled, and my surviving grandparents are hateful, spiteful people. No family to keep me here...
-I have few material posessions left. One old car, some bedroom furniture, a nifty wee DVD player, laptop, camera.




So what's holding me back then? the small matter of money, as ever. My job pays well and I've finally got my spending under control, but theres still debt remaining.

-I'm *real* close to finally paying off all my debts: if it wasnt for the monster $14,000 loan from my dad 2 years ago, and the $4000 debt from my replacement computer, I'd be well sorted by now.

Its just a matter of time. I calculate that I will be debt free on the 20th of January. Add a couple of months to get a bit of cash behind me, and watch this space... does the big OE beckon? Will I finally get to use my UK passport? Or will I learn to trap beaver? (the type that smells like fish builds dams..)

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growler_south

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