Ponders (condensed)

[growler_south]

Today I'm pondering the way I approach friendship and love. At the core of the issue is that I tend to go further with my friendships than many would feel comfortable with: I am fairly polyamorous. For the most part, its a good thing. I'm surrounded by friends who love me back, I enjoy giving and enriching my friends lives, and it makes my life richer too.

The downside is that I can give too much, spread myself too thinly, leading to disappointment when I'm not around or too busy with others. The other issue is guys mistaking my loving friendship for the love relationships are made of. It can be hard to say "I love you to bits, I want you bring you joy, I want to share so much with you, but no more than I do with all my friends"

Perhaps this explains why I feel most comfortable having affectionate friendships with guys who are in a relationship already: theres a bit of a barrier there, a bit of reassurance that theyre already taken and wont be following me around like puppydogs. (dont get that confused with the relationship I had with Rick and Mo though- what started out as a friendship rapidly escalated into full-blown love in that case, and though its ending is complex I dont regret a single decision.)

Given all that, I think the next issue to look at is how the way I comport myself relates to the relationships and friends I attract. Am I behaving in a way that helps my cause or hinders it?

Comments

[gregorbehr.livejournal.com]

Am I behaving in a way that helps my cause or hinders it?

Love never hinders. I think we're a bit a like in this. There are people I will tell, I Love You and mean it... but not in that, I love you and want to marry you and be together for ever and always sort of way.

You're a joyous man, full of life and love and always happy to share that with your mates. That can at times confuse people for something else... that "relationship" sort of love.

I don't think you can, nor should you change the sort of love you can offer people. Sometimes though, maybe you have to tell guys, that perhaps they have their signals mixed and you're not looking for.... but you do love them for their frienship.

Oh hell, what the fuck do I know???
But I do know I love you for being a great man with a joyful and loving spirit!

[growler-south.livejournal.com]

I was thinking more about the times i *dont* express my deep love to my friends. The casual shags, the occasional visit to the sex club, the wording on my online profiles which implies im up for casual/fleeting/insignificant friendships...

I want to make sure everyone gets the impression that I'm in it for the friendship and not for anythign casual, and wondering if some of the things I do/attitudes I have/ things I post online give the wrong impression. I do seem to keep attracting the "Hey wanna root" crowd as much as I attract loving people.

[gregorbehr.livejournal.com]

Well I suppose it depends on what you want. Sex is sex is sex... it becomes more when its with people you care about.
Who said you can't have two personas? The Growler who wants a good hot shag, and the Grant who cares and loves his mates very deeply. It just becomes how Grant tells his mates he loves them, without confusing it for wanting a relationship from them.

Or am I missing it?

[growler-south.livejournal.com]

Youve almost got it: I'm just not interested in sex that isnt with someone I care about. Thats just a physical act, and honestly if I just want physical then my hand will do a better job with less hassle. I can cum from physical sex, but I *get off* when its with someone I care about.

[dacubsf.livejournal.com]

I think what probably happens is that even though they're just frienships with Shag benefits. Still you do get use to somebody. In friendships you develop feelings for one another. But you throw sex into the mix. I suppose it would be hard to keep it somewhat seperated as things continue to grow with the friendship. I suppose after awhile. Some people would see it as more than just a shag. Which seems sort of natural. I think I learned my lesson with that years ago. And that's probably why today. I don't hang out with or do anything with fuckbuddies that I have. It's just strictly sex and a little visiting. But that's it. if you try and develop a strong friendship with someone you're fuckbudies with. You start getting into territory there that can be sort of drama causing.

[growler-south.livejournal.com]

That, indeed, is the problem, and the solution is to be very clear and upfront about who I am and how I operate. Thats what all this self-analysis is about: making sure I know who I am and how I work before explaining it to others.

[beg1n.livejournal.com]

Wow - 100% relate to this...especially The other issue is guys mistaking my loving friendship for the love relationships are made of.

I've sit here typing and erasing my thoughts a hundred times, but maybe we can discuss it privately later.

[growler-south.livejournal.com]

dont erase, just keep typing. youll say the same thing over again but eventually it'll gel. Youve got my email- I wont hold half-formed thoughts against you babe, let me know what your thinking.

Love you mister.

[pa747sp.livejournal.com]

I think your attitude to love/friendship/relationships is both logical and healthy. I think you are smart enough to see beyond societal structures and recognise that humans are able to love on different levels and in different ways, outside of the straightjacketed norms of our culture. I commend you on this, and frankly, why not do what feels right for you. You will come up against lots of misunderstandings about it, but if you know it is right, you do it.

[growler-south.livejournal.com]

Well, do what is right for me, but recognise that others may not have thought about it so deeply: hence the need to explain before embarking on a deep friendship/relationship. Just doing what *I* want without considering others is selfish, and Im not that. At least, I try not to be.

[pa747sp.livejournal.com]

Thing is babe, others will not have thought about it deeply. At a societal level, it isn't thought about at all. THere is one model for relationships, and that is it. Hell, we dont even have a word for more than one partner. I think the frustration for you is that what seems so simple and logical will be outside the lexicon of many peoples thinking.
Yes, you are a considerate person. You know that I think in some ways,m in the past, you have been way to considerate, putting other peoples needs so far ahead of your own that I think it has had a real impact on your happiness. Still, I know you will not see this, and tell me it was all good in the long run.
Now, get over here and on the end of my dick.
And by the way, Ill be in AKL 21-26 April. Can we catch up? You don't even have to promise 'casual' sex.

[boofbiker.livejournal.com]

I think from my own experience that you can have friends you care about and also have sex. The boundries crossing over from what is a loving friendship to what a relationship is can be defined. I have a wonderful friend of 10 years and we still have sex when ever we see each other and I love him to bits, but I dont want to marry him.
I personally hope you dont change the way you interact with your current friends. being one of them I would feel sad if when we talk, hang out or play that our friendship love (not relationship love) wasn't there. that's one thing I have enjoyed from knowing you. We both like to get to know the person we are playing with. Not just a wham Bam fuck me man and go.
I also think I am lucky in that I do live 4 hours by plane away from you. It means the times we do spend together are great and wonderful but we also know it cant go beyond that. I would be honest in saying if I was in NZ or you here in Melbourne I would try and win your heart and I am sure many men who live away from you would like to as well. But, I know that is not possible so I love the friendship love we have and I would not want to lose that at all. So dont try and change to much just be yourself and be happy

[growler-south.livejournal.com]

I'm not going to change, my beautiful friend. I am, however, going to be more up front about where Im going and what I want out of my friend relationships. I dont want anyone to be hurt by my love, I want them to think about it and enjoy it for what it is without fear or false expectations. I will always love my friends and strive to give whats best for them, and if a relationship blooms then who am I to deny it?

[ink-ling.livejournal.com]

Fella, when you talk about relationships and sex, I identify with so much you have to say, and you usually leave me with much to think about. Thanks.

I have lately been trying to negotiate what I recognize as a hyper-high sex drive, a growing dis-satisfaction with casual "tricks", and a need to clarify friendship and attraction and where they overlap.

:) I have to say that I enjoy the muddle of getting there.

[sinnabor.livejournal.com]

I've approached affection much the same way. Polyamorous, respectful, but non-exclusive.

It can be a bit of heartbreak at times. Many guys want a boyfriend thing or nothing. Sometimes it feels like they "got away".

I think you're doing pretty well right now. I had a sweet time in Sydney with you, and I knew exactly how far it was going without talking about it. Then again, maybe that was just the weekend-fling thing. :-)