The mystery of girls.

[growler_south]

I've decided that all girls are alien life-forms that actually live on a diet of wood pulp. Oh, they *can* eat other things, and often do just to appear normal, but its dried and pressed wood-pulp that really makes them tick. Specifically soft, fluffy, absorbent wood-pulp sheets in handy roll form, usually found in the privacy of a bathroom for uninterrupted dining enjoyment.

How else do you explain this timeline:
Midnight Monday, Growler notices we're out of toilet paper. so retrieves a single roll from his emergency stash and installs it in the bathroom. Doesnt actually use any. 11pm Tuesday Growler runs to bathroom to find that its ALL GONE...

3 people in my flat, times 23 hours, does NOT equal one 400-sheet bogroll. Presuming you use 4 sheets per application, I calculate there would have to be someone using the toilet every 14 minutes!

FOURTEEN MINUTES people. You could lick every gutter in Calcutta for a week and never experience that sort of frequency.

Andrew swears he only used the toilet once in that period, which leaves Rebecca, the TP munching alien.

And they say they dont have teeth...

Comments

[lumberjackie-o.livejournal.com]

4 sheets per application?!?! sweetie - what are you wiping off with 4 sheets? is kiwi tp different than american? 4 sheets ain't nuthin'!! i MIGHT be able to dab up the dripping pee off my cock with 4 sheets but that would do NOTHING for me bum after a lovely...well, you know. hair guys use more paper too, keep that in mind! toilet duties aside - i hope you are sending positive thoughts our way - it's hours before the polls close here...hugs, cute boy.

[growler-south.livejournal.com]

>4 sheets is as long as my forearm. I could shit on the *floor* and mop it up with that.
>I know things are bigger in the US but you use 4 sheets to wipe your cock? its not THAT big buddy. And if it is then I'm booking you a flight to NZ right now!. BTW ever heard of shaking it?
>Hairy guys *do* use more paper, I should know, being a fuzzy-butt guy myself, but Andrew's not that hairy, and I sincerely hope Rebecca isnt either!!

Even if you go to 16 sheets (thats about 6 feet of paper!!) thats one movement every hour. You'd be exhausted, youd get no sleep, and you'd be damn hungry...

Girls eat toilet paper. With their vaginas dentata. Its the only explanation.

[smellykaka.livejournal.com]

How else do you explain this timeline:

Somebody in the flat who wanks a lot?

[growler-south.livejournal.com]

Well that would be *me* but you may have a point there. Although you'd think I'd notice if Andrew suddenly developed forearms like Popeye...

[smellykaka.livejournal.com]

Uh, that would be foreARM, singular, right?

Unless he's so hung that he needs to use both hands. And if you know or find out that he is...DON'T TELL ME.

[growler-south.livejournal.com]

*grin* Oh how you tempt me.. but as requested, I will refrain from confirming that hypothesis.

Ok so I'm a bad, bad person. You knew that already.

[pa747sp.livejournal.com]

I can confirm your findings, docotor. Whilst gs sister was staying with us, a 6-pack of toilet paper appered on every weekly shopping list. Prior to her gracing us with her presence, it was lucky to get on the list on a monthly basis. Where does it all go?

[filmgeeknz.livejournal.com]

Well, many guys just shake, girls can't get away with that, so that's a little more right there... then there's periods and the mess they cause... yes, girls *do* use more paper... and it also links into the whole scrunch/fold debate... possibly your flatmate is a 'scrunch and use once' kinda gal??

And before you complain I used the 'P' word, you started the column!! :P

[growler-south.livejournal.com]

I think she's a 'place end in mouth, chew, swallow, repeat' kinda gal. There can be no other explanation for an entire roll in 23 hours. Had her entire womb fallen out on the floor, I might concede that yes, an entire roll might be appropriate.

Actually I just had a thought- the dog *has* been known to eat toilet paper, but normally he wouldnt leave the roll on the holder...

[smellykaka.livejournal.com]

the dog *has* been known to eat toilet paper

Considered buying that scented stuff? See if that puts him off.

Also, in an emergency - you've had to go in straight after somebody's done number two's - you can lean over and stick your nose next to the roll to drown out the smell.

[smellykaka.livejournal.com]

Alternatively:

Lister: Your explanation for anything even slightly peculiar is aliens, isn't it? You lose your keys, it's aliens. A picture falls off the wall, it's aliens. That time we used up an entire bog roll in one day, you thought that was aliens as well.
Rimmer: Well, if we didn't use it Lister, who did?
Lister: Rimmer, ALIENS used our bog roll?
Rimmer: Just because they're aliens it doesn't mean they don't have to go to the little boy's room. But they probably do something weird and alien-esque, like it comes out of the top of their heads or something.
Lister: Well I wouldn't like to be stuck behind one in a cinema.